Aries | Leo | Sagitarius

What is a 'Fire Sign'?

Maybe it could be a sign post which directs you to the nearest forest fire e.g. "To Brazil".
Maybe it could be a sign post which is actually on fire!
On the other hand, it could simply be the type of person you are!?!?!?!? Who the hell thought that one up?

Fire signs are for peole who relate in some way to Fire.. they may have red hair.. they may be prone to spontaneous combustion... or the may simply like sitting infront of fires, or even in them. A typical Fire person will use matches rather than lighters, they will more than likely be seen rubbing two sticks together and you can often find them in jail for arson..

Traits of Fire Signs are:

They are stupid, can barely read, have no or little friends (little as in size 4 inches - 5 inches) who they talk to all the time, and they smell - The female often masks unpleasant and awkward smells by either wearing a hell of a lot of perfume, or not leaving the house (this also applies to males to).

Aries the Sheep

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Window see-through colour
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : the same amount of teeth you have
Things to avoid this week : loosing your teeth
Your future for the week ahead:

Aries the sheep - suits you - and when I finally got around this season to consulting the great and mighty haggis he really couldn't be bothered with you at all. In fact what he said was: "1996 would have been great if it wasn't for the fact that there are Arians around".
Christmas for you will be one of stuffing your face with food, farting and burping a lot and then crying like a baby because you didn't get that Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw!! But your kids did!
Here's a tip for you - stick with Barbie dolls..
1997 isgoing to be a quest for you to find your inner self - I mean it's not that hard to find your outer self because you'll have eaten far too much in the first place.

Leo the Kitten

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Crapy Brown
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : 2 inches
Things to avoid this week : Lyposuction in your ear.
Your future for the week ahead:

Here Kitty Kitty... Leo's are so predictable that it is safe to say that Christmas is going to be pretty much the same as last year - yes you guessed it - it's on the 25th again.
And with this being the Winter Solstace (i.e. the shortest day of the year) it's just the right time for you to pack it all in and go right back to bed - in fact do us all a favour and don't even think about getting up! We'll all have a better Christmas without you sticking your nose in things - and if you happen to come near my house then you had better watch out - Santa's bringing me Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw's.
Forget about 1997 - we've all forgotten about you - so why bother!

Sagitarius the Arse

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Puke Pink
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : ZERO
Things to avoid this week : Eating your girlfriends face off
Your future for the week ahead:

You've seen Braveheart yes?
Well let me just tell you that you are like Edward's boyfriend - someone you forget about very quickly.
Remember the bit in the film when Stephen the Irish Dood (who ever he was supposed to be) stabbed the Sasanach through the eye ball.. WHAT - you missed that bit - well watch again... anyway - well if you fancy poping over to my house this Christmas your more than welcome - I can't wait to try out my new Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Eyeball plucker-outers!
1997 - for you - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha