Cancer | Scorpio | Pisces

What is a 'Water Sign'?

It is impossible to make a sign post out of water... It was tried, in 1578 in the town of Dornoch, to create a sign made out of ice - and then say that it was a 'Water Sign'.. This is of course wrong as although it was originally water, it was actually ice, which as we all know is scientifically different from water. The man in question was quickly disposed of in the local loch with a large weight around his ankles ffor being so pathetic and petty.

Enough to say that he was a Pisces, and a typical Water person... Stupid, arogant, pathetic and constantly trying to gain attention. Water Signs make me vomit! They like to think they know it all, when in fact they know very little and when they don't know something they will make it all up, and present it as the truth.

Traits of Fire Signs are:

You will always know when you are in the company of a Water Sign. When telling their tales, and attempting to reveal some unknown wonder that they think they have helped discover - if when questioned about the reliability of the information will always follow up with the sentence "It's true, a fat loke down the pub told me!". This of course makes everything alright, and in their minds means that it MUST be the truth.. and if they get caught they pass the blame to the 'Fat Bloke' who then takes the rap! and he probably didn't even deserve it... unless of course he too is a Water Sign, in which case he would deserve it even if he was still inocent.

In short - Liar, Liar Pants On Fire....

Cancer the Growth on the backside of a Lobster

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Underpant yellow
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : The same as Gary Campells broadcasts
Things to avoid this week : Using the Internet to substitute a poor sex life
Your future for the week ahead:

Yes I am amazing. Yes I am beautiful. Yes I am a stud with 600 super model lovers.
You on the opther hand are not any of the above. Cancer is a very boring sign to be - and like all other signs (bar Capricorn) you are a complete waste of skin!
1997 is actually a good year for you. You will become seriously injured by a pair of Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw's and have to spend the rest of your year ina Hospital bed.

Scorpio the Prat

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Skid Marks
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : how ever many sheep you know 'personaly'
Things to avoid this week : Sleeping with you eyes open, or with your hand on your crotch.
Your future for the week ahead:

Scorpio's just like Scorpion's are very small pointy creatures which nobody wants to get near.
That should be enough of a hint to you to tell you that this Christmas stay away from everyone!
1997 - you'll be on your own anyway so what's the point in telling you. We're not interested.

Pisces the Stinking Rotten Fish

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Nicotne Yellow
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : Nescafe
Things to avoid this week : Nescafe
Your future for the week ahead:

4 & 20 virgins came down from Inverness... la de la de la.. Do you know the song. Well it's about you.
But then again - if anyone can point me in the direction of 20 virgins from Inverness then I'd be glad to hear from you because I have a bet with a friend that he is the only virgin in Inverness, apart from his wife that is.
This Christmas - if a person of the opposite sex even looks at you in a funny way - jump their bone instantly because 1997 is a sex free zone for you - but then again isn't every year?