Taurus | Virgo | Capricorn

What is an 'Earth Sign'?

Earth Signs are amazing creatures.. they are exepyionally good at being dull (except Capricorn who is wonderfuly bright).
To sit for longer than two minutesin the company of an Earth Sign is a job for a stunt man! (except of course Capricorns who has too much company due to the ffact that they are so wonderful).
They will bore you to death, and it has been known for earth signs to be rotten lovers, and you might as well light your cigarrette BEFFORE you start as it will all be over before you take your clothes off! (except of course or Capricorns who are horny devils and can make their way through 10+ lovers in one night at the rate of 1 per every 5 hours).

Virgo and Taurus are well known for their inability to think logically, never mind think at all. Capricorn, on the other hand, can not only score all night but could pass an honors degree whilst doing it, just by simply knowing all the correct answers. They are born with the ability to know everything, unlike the other two who are lucky just to be born with the abilities of spontaneous reflex.

Traits of Fire Signs are:

Capricorns are simply good, in fact brilliant, at everything.
The other two are just general wastes of skin, and I am hoping that the wrold of astrology soon recognises that I am right when I say that their signs should be stripped from the Zodiac, making them hardly worth talking about further, but I have to.

Taurus the Cow

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Plaque Yellow
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : Twice a day
Things to avoid this week : Brushing your teeth
Your future for the week ahead:

Yes Taurus type people - I know I know - this section hasn't been updated in months - well because most of the people who wrote in and complained were just like you - but the main reason you're not going to get an acurate prediction for 1997 is because I'm slowly getting drunk and finding it very hard to think of anything to write!
1997 - go to bed until 1998 - I might think of something by then!

Virgo the Virgin

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Haggis
This weeks 'Lucky Number' : Haggis
Things to avoid this week : Haggis
Your future for the week ahead:

I had this interesting meeting last night at around midnight with 600 nude virgins fom Inverness! Everything was going really well until they decided to play hide the sausage using a pair of Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw's (see other scopes for reference).
But hey! Why am I telling you all of this - Virgo's never write to me and they never say hello when they meet me in the street!
1997 - Say Hi to everyone you meet - it might be me - and then next year when I update this section you might get a hello back - but I reckon I'll be to busy detaching myself from these damn Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw's.

Capricorn the Genius

This weeks 'Lucky Colour' : Spangly red
This weeks 'Lucky Number' :der ylgnapS
Things to avoid this week :Keyboards that type backwards
Your future for the week ahead:

1997 - easy for you - bugger all!
No future - no past - infact no present.
In the late 1800's a Capricorn invented a machine which was used by the Roman's in their party going days. It later became a great fad in the 1990's and it it is because of this Capricorn, who has spoiled the Capricorn's reputation, that I can't find anything good for you next year - those damn 19th Century Super Ninja Fighting Powermorphing Thumb Screw's.