Dictated by The Great Almighty Haggis
Interpreted by Coran Pratt
In the universe there are lots of coloured things, with a lot of black stuff in between! (If you could bottle outer space would you have a bottle full of black stuff?? - mind blowing eh?).. anyway.. some of these coloured things aren't in fact coloured but are a silvery-white kind of lights. These are known as Stars (am I patronising you or what?).
Stars move around the planet earth very very slowly and sometime when they move in certain directions the form patterns in the sky. A very long time ago, some Greeks stared at these patterns for a very long time and realised that if they stared at them long enough they could see pictures. Just like when you stare at clouds you can see pictures of biscuits, turkeys, men riding on the backs of pigs, women dancing nacked and so on and so on.
Now these Greeks, after telling everyone that there were fancy pitures in the sky that told us our future?, decided that in order to not look stupid and psychotic, they had better make up some rules in order to explain themselves - and pretty damn quickly too! So they devised a cunning plan.....
They went back to staring at the stars until they found twelve usable patterns, they related these patterns to a bunch of there friends and gave them names (the patterns that is!)... luckily for these Greeks their friends had some whacky names and made everything very romantic an gave it all a bit of street cred'.
One of these Greeks (I forget his handle), decided that in order to make things even more believable they should associate all twelve gategories into sub groups! They hit the nail right on the head and decided to go with the idea of relating them with Fire, Water, Air and Earth (rather than hair, skin, bones and guts as was originally suggested by one of the Greeks!).
And so was born the Zodiac, which was named after one of the Greeks who had an sister of the same name, (she had been romantically involved with all of them at one time or another and she was creating hell because she had been missed out in their original plan).
Today, in the 1990's the signs of the Zodiac have been passed down through the generations and people now refer to them for the seeds of wisdom that they give to us all... The Crystal Haggis, however, uses it's own 'Zodiac' called The Signs of the Morag (named after a jelous girlfriend), but in order not to confuse matters it kept the same 'sign' names as the Greeks thought up so that people would know who they were relating to.
My role in this great philosophy of our time is to translate from the ancient language of Gaelic, into English, so that you can read and make sense of it all.
I am Coran Pratt, and I am a genius...
...and if you believe that you'll believe anything...